I just made out with a guy for $7.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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