New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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