You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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