Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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