got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
