i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
