did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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