The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
