I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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