I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
