Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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