I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Randomize
