Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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