Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
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She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
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Also, beer. Big fan.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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