i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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