I wish I could teleport
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
is that a dick in a sweater?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
