I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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