My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just want nice things and good sex
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
