there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
