I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
