so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
