I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
