if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
