I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Randomize
