and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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