my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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