my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
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He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
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I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
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