Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
