is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
