made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
