So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
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