I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.