Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Randomize
