My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
