dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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