if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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