How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
