did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
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So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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