I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
