i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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