She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
