hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
