I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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