shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
