so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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