Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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