I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
