I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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