Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.