He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
25 Of The Most Common Life Mistakes Young People Make
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
25 People Confess What They Really Think When They See An Obese Person
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life