So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
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Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
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COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
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