Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
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You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
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Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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