My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
